Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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