and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
