Yo dont text me then not text me
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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