worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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