im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
