OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
