The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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