I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
