Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
My pussy is not your playground.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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