i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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