Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
