Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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