his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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