The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Randomize
