The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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