Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
