I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
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