Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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