I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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