the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize