We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
