I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
