I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
