mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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