Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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