I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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