i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
