Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
