We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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