I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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