the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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