bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
