You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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