i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize