The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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