you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
