just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Im part way to drunk.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize