I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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