My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
