So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
