So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
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