I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
