I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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