he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
