Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
