just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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