May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Operation Purity has been aborted
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
