My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
