If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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