the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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