I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
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