He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
