who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
