her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You can't special order awesome
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
