if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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