No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
