The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Will exercising make me less horny?
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