My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
