Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
