why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
