Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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