I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
