is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
