just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
