im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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